115: Why Won’t My Partner Parent the Way I Want Them To? // Celeste Davis

Do you feel frustrated with your partner when they don’t follow the bedtime routine that you have worked so hard to develop for your child? Or is your spouse’s tendency to coddle or spoil the kids really driving you crazy? Or maybe it’s the opposite–their tendency to scold or punish the kids differently than you would prefer.

If so, you’re not alone. 

This episode with Celeste Davis is going to free you from carrying the burden of that dynamic in your home–and I think it’s going to make everyone in your family much happier and more peaceful.

Celeste Davis, a marriage researcher and sociologist who shares her insights into successful relationships on her blog, Marriage Laboratory, and the podcast, Marriage Theraoke tells us WHY to do this and HOW! 

Three Takeaways from Celeste Davis

  1. Your PARTNER is not your enemy (but disconnection with your partner is!) 
  2. DIFFERENCE is not your enemy (but anxiety over differences is!) 
  3. IMPERFECTION is not your enemy (but intolerance of imperfection is!) 

Quotes from this episode:

  • “Researcher Ellen Galinsky asked over a thousand kids ages 8 to 18, if they could change just one thing about their parents, what it would be? And they also asked the parents what they thought, and all of the parents, full of guilt, said, “Oh they probably want to spend more time with me…” And no. The kids said their wish would be for their parents to be less stressed. And when you think about what’s stressing us out–our parenting is stressing us out. We’re so stressed by doing the discipline right, and the homework, and the sports, and everything by the book…it’s stressing us out and that’s what’s causing the disconnect.”
  • “It’s a really beautiful thing to show your kids that there’s more than one way to solve a problem. There’s more than one way to do a lot of different things…And it’s also a really beautiful way to demonstrate how to treat someone who has different ideas than us, right? We demonstrate to our kids that when someone has a different idea than us, we don’t shut them down; we don’t disrespect them; we don’t pressure them; we don’t silent treatment them. We listen, and we treat them with respect, and we honor their agency, and we can work things out, and we can state our desires, and we can state our frustrations, but we still listen.”
  • “My favorite marriage quote that is from Dr. David Schnarch: ‘The most loving thing we can do for our spouse is to learn to regulate our own anxiety.’ When we are unable to regulate our anxiety, it’s going to spew inadvertently all over our spouse, and we’re going to expect them to validate us, and it’s just going to come out in a lot of unloving ways. And the most loving thing we can do for our kids is to learn to regulate our anxiety about our kids.
  • “The most loving thing I ever did for our family dynamic was take on the thought, truly take on the thought, ‘My kids are fine.'” 

Full Transcript

For a full transcript of the episode, click here.


Links Mentioned in Today’s Show


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What was your favorite thing that Celeste Davis had to share? Let me know in a comment below!