Principle #4: Bolster Your Healthy Boundaries
My kids are headed back to school soon, and they will be doing all sorts of assessments to see how they’re doing in math and reading and writing. And this got me thinking. I need to do a series of mini-podcast episodes for moms to assess how they are doing, not with balancing equations or diagramming sentences (because I have a feeling most of us would fail those assessments), but to assess something way more important: our own levels of emotional wellbeing.
You may be thinking, is there an assessment for that? And I am glad to inform you that, yes. Yes, there is!
A few years ago, I took everything I’d learned from interviewing over 300 experts in parenting and self-development and I boiled it down to six (*formerly nine!) principles of self-assured motherhood. These were the common threads that I found between all of the experts. I realized that if we, as overwhelmed moms, could master these areas, we would have so much more joy, more connected relationships, and more inner peace.
I put these six principles into a framework and created a self-assessment that overwhelmed moms could take that would go along with this framework. This way, they could concretely figure out how they’re doing emotionally and would be able to see visually where they are thriving and where they deserve to put more attention.
These principles will be the basis for this SAM Framework mini-series.
So, let’s dive into the fourth principle!
Principle #4: Bolster Your Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries have become a hot topic and a bit of a buzzword in today’s culture. But I want to start by taking us back to a simple definition and understanding of what boundaries are and also what they are not.
Boundaries are simply what YOU will do (not what you expect others to do) to honor your needs.
So setting boundaries doesn’t mean controlling other people or dominating them. It also isn’t a protect-yourself-above-all-others mentality. It simply means giving an honest “No,” instead of a dishonest or resentful “Yes” when someone asks for more time, energy, money, or attention then you’re able to give them in that moment. It means verbalizing it when a person or a situation makes you uncomfortable, rather than staying quiet and resentful.
When you’re honest about how you’re feeling and your limits, you give the other person the opportunity to adjust, and if they don’t, then you tell them what you will do, not what you expect them to do.
One of my favorite quotes about this that I share with women in my self-assured motherhood program is by Prentis Hemphill who says:
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
Isn’t this a beautiful image? Boundaries keep us in a position to care for ourselves well, but they also keep us in a position to care for others well. Boundaries are loving. They are compassionate. And when we are unboundaried, we may think that we’re being loving by saying yes all the time, by not having limits, by not expressing our discomfort with other people, but we’re actually not being honest with others, and we’re more likely to lash out at them.
One of my favorite images that a counselor taught me once is that yes, boundaries protect me, but they also protect other people from me. I’ve really tried to remember that when I have felt bad about setting a boundary. I am protecting this other person from me getting resentful and lashing out or gossiping about them or something that I might do as a reaction. When really the problem is that I’m not boundaried enough with that person or that situation.
Bolster Your Healthy Boundaries – My Personal Example:
Through years and years of therapy, I have become really good at setting boundaries with others, except for setting boundaries with my children. I’m a softie!
It’s very difficult for me to let my kids be unhappy and not try to resolve it. One of my true strengths as a mom is connection with my children. but sometimes that can lead to a little bit of permissiveness. It’s much easier for me to set boundaries with other people than it is for me to set boundaries with my kids. I’m working on it. 🫣
I had a moment just a few weeks ago when I realized that my lack of boundaries with my kids, particularly around my work time, was hurting me, and it was also hurting them because of how frustrated I would get with them when they interrupted me
I had never really been very consistent with them about when they were and were not allowed to interrupt me during the summer as I worked. As you know, I work from home, and so there is a sort of muddying of the lines between when I’m a mom and when I’m working. and when they’re allowed to come in and when they aren’t, and it’s not fair to them that I haven’t been very clear and consistent on that.
A few weeks ago, I was recording a podcast episode when they burst into my office. I was so frustrated and I reacted poorly. (And, my interaction with them was caught on a recording! 🫣 If you want to listen, it’s on the full episode above!)
I felt bad about the interaction, but I also don’t beat up on myself for interactions like that. It’s not like I flew off the handle and started swearing at my kids or something. But when I’m unboundaried, I can’t give the best of myself to either my work or my children.
So what are my options for healthy boundaries with my kids & work?
Remember boundaries are what I will do. So, I might sit my kids down and talk to them about how I’ve been too relaxed about my work boundaries, and I don’t like how I show up for them when I’m trying to do both. In order for me to be able to work during work time and mom during mom time, we are going to have to reestablish some ground rules.
I can then tell them something like: when I am working, and you are not supposed to come into my office, I will have a “Do not disturb” sign on the door. If they decide to come in anyway, I won’t interact with them. I’ll take their hand and walk them back out the door and point to the sign and close it. I’m guessing that if I do this enough times, they will get the hint that I’m actually going to be consistent this time about work.
And if they don’t, we’ll have to figure out something else I can do to protect this boundary. But this feels like a good starting place.
If this boundary is too hard for me to keep, like, I just feel too heartless turning them away, it just means I need to try a different boundary. For example, maybe it makes more sense to actually leave my house when I’m working and create a physical boundary. That will be easy for me and my kids to keep because I won’t be home. Maybe I look into renting an office space or reserving a study room in the library or something.
And that’s how I’m handling boundaries right now.
So, how are you doing with healthy boundaries?
I mentioned above that I developed a self-assessment tool for moms. I use this assessment in my program that I teach to overwhelmed moms who want to know themselves better, more fully honor, their needs, and more deeply love their people. I call it Self-Assured Motherhood.
At the beginning of that program, these SAM sisters (as we call them) color in a Venn diagram based on where they’re currently sitting with each of the principles of Self-Assured Motherhood. I give them a definition of what it looks like to be green in this area, what it looks like to be yellow in this area, and what it looks like to be red in this area.
This way, they can visually see how they’re doing and they can honestly self-assess.
At the end of the program, they do the same exercise so they can concretely see how much they have grown and learned over our time together. It is truly incredible to witness their progress!
So today I am going to give you the green, yellow, and red definitions that I give to the women in my program for this fourth principle of self-assured motherhood, and you can mentally decide what color best describes you right now:
If you’re green: You carefully consider your limits and needs before you say yes to requests from others on your time. You are comfortable saying no to others with love and respect. You feel like you have agency over your life and your choices.
If you’re yellow: You’re working towards having better boundaries though you know you still have a long way to go. It’s gotten easier to say no to requests that don’t align with your priorities and needs, and you sometimes do it, but it still brings up some hesitation and guilt.
If you’re red: Saying no to others is painful for you, and do rarely do it. You’re exhausted from meeting everyone else’s needs and often feel resentful. Occasionally you might lash out at others because you’ve reached a breaking point.
So, where are you with bolstering your healthy boundaries? Are you green, yellow, or red?
It is very common for a women who are just starting out in Self-Assured Motherhood program to type things in the Zoom chat, like “blood red” or “deep, dark redder than red.” So, if you feel similarly about your ability to set boundaries, you are not alone!
If you’re not quite where you want to be yet, or if this topic fascinates you, I hope you will join us in my Self-Assured Motherhood program this fall, where we will spend an entire month talking about boundaries, and I will help you learn how to identify ways you can bolster your boundaries in ways that feel good for you. Enrollment for the program will open September 9th, and if you download that “Green, Yellow, Red” self-assessment, you’ll be automatically added to the program waitlist and you’ll get a special discount as soon as the doors open for enrollment.
My friend, boundaries are hard, but when you learn how to bolster them, you find freedom and joy to love others how you want to love them. You have so much to give to the world! I’m rooting for you!
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Related Episodes like this one on Bolstering Healthy Boundaries:
- 262: 3 Ways to Recover from Mom Burnout
- 314: How to Feel like Yourself in Motherhood // Aleisha McKean
- 349: Overcoming Decision Fatigue through Reflection // Emily P. Freeman
