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Principle #7: Gather the Good
My kids are headed back to school soon, and they will be doing all sorts of assessments to see how they’re doing in math and reading and writing. And this got me thinking. I need to do a series of mini-podcast episodes for moms to assess how they are doing, not with balancing equations or diagramming sentences (because I have a feeling most of us would fail those assessments), but to assess something way more important: our own levels of emotional wellbeing.
You may be thinking, is there an assessment for that? And I am glad to inform you that. Yes. Yes, there is!
A few years ago, I took everything I’d learned from interviewing over 300 experts in parenting and self-development and I boiled it down to six (*formerly nine!) principles of self-assured motherhood. These were the common threads that I found between all of the experts. I realized that if we, as overwhelmed moms, could master these areas, we would have so much more joy, more connected relationships, and more inner peace.
I put these principles into a framework and created a self-assessment that overwhelmed moms could take that would go along with this framework. This way, they could concretely figure out how they’re doing emotionally and would be able to see visually where they are thriving and where they deserve to put more attention.
These principles will be the basis for this SAM Framework mini-series.
So, let’s dive into the seventh principle!
Principle #7: Gather the Good
In order to understand what I mean by gathering the good and how it’s important and impactful, we need to understand the concept of confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias is a type of cognitive bias that involves favoring information that confirms our previously existing beliefs. We’ve all experienced this. When we already believe something, we look for information that supports it. So if we believe our political party is right, we will favor information that makes our party look good and the other party look bad. If we believe that we really need a certain purchase to be happy, we will see lots of evidence in our daily lives that support why we need that thing that we want.
In the context of parenting, if we believe that our kid is a hard troublemaker, a needy weiner, or an unhelpful lazy lump, we will see all of the evidence that supports that belief. And there may be plenty of evidence to support it!
In fact, there may be way more evidence to support that story than to support a more positive spin!
But when it comes to parenting, focusing on the negative in our children and in our life (even if one could argue that it’s accurate) is often not at all helpful.
What’s the point of gathering more and more evidence that your child is a bad listener? So you can be even more mad about it? So you can criticize them more and sigh at them more and vent about them to all of your friends and family?
And I’m not trying to call you out. If you’ve done all of those things at times. But I want to point out that it isn’t helpful. It doesn’t make you more self-assured or more loving to your people.
Instead, it makes you feel discouraged, angry, and trapped in your life.
The good news is I have also realized that confirmation bias can work the opposite way as well!!
When I start believing a positive story about a situation, myself, or my child, I suddenly start to see more evidence supporting that story. It starts to seem more and more true, simply because I have a new lens to look at the same situation because of that cognitive bias kicking in.
This concept is at the heart of my Flecks of Gold journal. I created this journal as a place for overwhelmed moms to write down one golden moment that they experienced with their children each day. And I’ve heard from hundreds of mothers that this daily practice has trained their brain to see the good in their children and their life because they’re looking for it. They know that they want to have something to write down at the end of the day, and all of a sudden, it starts to seem like there is so much gold around them all the time.
What you look for you will find, and the Flecks of Gold Journal is a concrete practice to train your brain for that.
So, let’s circle back to Gather the Good. During this unit in my Self-Assured Motherhood Program, we talk about how when you focus on the positive in your children, you can start to create behavioral momentum for them. When you gather the good you see, your kids will want to create more evidence to support the positive story that you are telling about them. This will be deeply subconscious, but they will be more inclined to behave in ways that support your positive view of them.
It’s all such a beautiful cycle! As you gather the good, you call out the good in them. Then, they start to believe in the good in themselves. They act in ways that reinforce that positive story. And then the evidence of that positive story continues to grow.
It really does work!
Gather the Good – Faith Over Facts:
Years ago, one of my parenting mentors said that she speaks words of faith rather than fact when talking about her children.
I love that distinction! Faith over fact.
I have faith in the good people that my children are and who they can become, and I try to focus on that instead of tallying up all of the “facts” for ways that they are falling short.
When I see moments of amazingness in my kids (that maybe aren’t typical for them), I choose to gather the good and capitalize on them. I remind my kids often of those instances when they showed those traits so I can help them write a positive inner story.
I’m trying to water the seeds of what I see as some of their less obvious, but still innate, strengths traits.
As I gather the good I see in my kids, they start to believe that these parts of themselves are real and strong and true. I’m speaking words of faith more than words of fact.
Don’t you love this?
So, how are you doing with gathering the good?
I mentioned above that I developed a self-assessment tool for moms. I use this assessment in my program that I teach to overwhelmed moms who want to know themselves better, more fully honor their needs, and more deeply love their people. I call it Self-Assured Motherhood.
At the beginning of that program, these SAM sisters (as we call them) color in a Venn diagram based on where they’re currently sitting with each of the principles of Self-Assured Motherhood. I give them a definition of what it looks like to be green in this area, what it looks like to be yellow in this area, and what it looks like to be red in this area.
This way, they can visually see how they’re doing and they can honestly self-assess.
At the end of the program, they do the same exercise so they can concretely see how much they have grown and learned over our time together. It is truly incredible to witness their progress!
Today I am going to give you the green, yellow, and red definitions that I give to the women in my program for this seventh principle of self-assured motherhood, and you can mentally decide what color best describes you right now:
If you’re green: You are able to identify the good within your loved ones every day. You generally focus on your children’s positive behaviors instead of always harping on the negative. If someone asked your child what their mom loves about them, they would be able to answer with something individualized and concrete.
If you’re yellow: Some days you’re able to see the good in your kids in life. On other days, it feels impossible. You find yourself nagging your kids more than building them up, but it’s something you’re aware of and working on. You can see the good in your life, but you don’t always know how to focus on it.
If you’re red: It is very difficult right now to see the good within your life or your loved ones. You’re primarily focused on the annoying and negative behaviors of your family, and you worry about the negative momentum in your home. You crave more peace and hope.
Where are you with gathering the good? Are you green, yellow, or red?
If gathering the good is something that doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t worry! This is a skill you can learn. No matter what color you rated yourself, my Self-Assured Motherhood program can help you. We help you learn the skill of gathering the good in a supportive and positive way. We take an entire month to learn how to gather the good in our kids and in ourselves.
I hope you will join us in my Self-Assured Motherhood program this fall. Enrollment for the program will open September 9th, and if you download that “Green, Yellow, Red” self-assessment, you’ll be automatically added to the program waitlist and you’ll get a special discount as soon as the doors open for enrollment. (Plus, one lucky mama will get a free admission to SAM!)
I’m excited for you to focus on gathering the good! You will see the amazing difference it makes in your life and motherhood! Share your experiences in the comments below!
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Related Episodes like this one on Gather the Good:
- 262: 3 Ways to Recover from Mom Burnout
- 314: How to Feel like Yourself in Motherhood // Aleisha McKean
- 349: Overcoming Decision Fatigue through Reflection // Emily P. Freeman
