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Principle #8: Communicate for Connection
My kids are headed back to school soon, and they will be doing all sorts of assessments to see how they’re doing in math and reading and writing. And this got me thinking. I need to do a series of mini-podcast episodes during this back-to-school season for moms to assess how they are doing, not with balancing equations or diagramming sentences (because I have a feeling most of us would fail those assessments), but to assess something way more important: our own levels of emotional wellbeing.
You may be thinking, is there an assessment for that? And I am glad to inform you that. Yes. Yes, there is!
A few years ago, I took everything I’d learned from interviewing over 300 experts in parenting and self-development and I boiled it down to six (*formerly nine!) principles of self-assured motherhood. These were the common threads that I found between all of the experts. I realized that if we, as overwhelmed moms, could master these areas, we would have so much more joy, more connected relationships, and more inner peace.
I put these principles into a framework and created a self-assessment that overwhelmed moms could take that would go along with this framework. This way, they could concretely figure out how they’re doing emotionally and would be able to see visually where they are thriving and where they deserve to put more attention.
These principles will be the basis for this SAM Framework mini-series.
So, let’s dive into the eighth principle!
Principle #8: Communicate for Connection
Communicate for connection is one of my favorite principles in my Self-Assured Motherhood program because I have worked so hard on it! Over my years of being a mother, I feel like it has become one of my superpowers that really blesses my children, particularly my firstborn, my spirited and strong-willed Noah.
I knew from the time that Noah was a toddler, that I was going to need some communication strategies with him. He wasn’t going to just be compliant and obedient and listen to me because “I said, so.” He is naturally incredibly smart, intuitive, and emotional. He’s a questioner. He wants to be respected.
And his emotions are big!
I learned early on that Noah’s intensity in a conflict is the same intensity he has for loving the people he can sense value him and delight in him. And I wanted to be someone that he could pour his intense love on because he could sense that I deeply valued him and respected his humanity, even from a young age.
So… even though this was always my goal, we had our struggles early on. I have memories of putting soap in his mouth when he said he hated me, of holding his bedroom door shut as he raged in tantrums, and on and on. And… I never felt good about those strategies. I tried not to use them, but I just didn’t know if there was an alternative. That’s why I’m so grateful that when Noah was about six years old, I was introduced to the concept of emotion coaching.
I was first introduced to this concept by a podcast guest, Georgia Anderson. She taught me how to emotion coach my strong-willed Noah. Emotion coaching is a term that was originally coined by psychologist Dr. John Gottman. It is the ability to stay present with a child who’s feeling big emotions and coach them through it. Now, this is not allowing inappropriate behavior. But it is allowing the big emotion and recognizing that a child’s expression of emotion is actually the perfect moment for intimacy and teaching. It’s at the heart of communicate for connection.
John Gottman says that emotion coaching is: “This feeling is hard, and I’m right here to help you feel it.”
Over the years, I feel like I have become a very skilled emotion coach, and I can see the impact that it has had on my big-feeling, strong-willed son. When I’m able to stay present with him and communicate for connection with him when he’s feeling a big emotion, instead of shutting it down or shaming him, it restores a sense of safety for him. I think of this as de-escalation connection because it can deescalate misbehaviors when a child remembers that they are loved, safe and respected, even when they’re at their worst.
Even if it doesn’t change the immediate behavior, it is still worth doing because it builds long-term emotional resilience and emotional maturity in your child.
Communicate for Connection – A Personal Story:
Okay, now for my personal story about the way that communicate for connection has blessed my family this summer. So, when Noah was younger, he had frequent meltdowns. And I did a lot of work to coach him. As I’ve done that, the meltdowns have become way fewer and farther, but there was a moment this summer when he had a really big blow-up. He was fuming, and he said some really hurtful things to me when his emotions were running high.
Thankfully, I have learned now to not take it personally and to not escalate the situation by demanding an apology on the spot or shaming him or throwing him in his room. So, I let it sit. He went to his room and simmered down a little bit, and then when I could tell he was calm, I went up there to talk to him and repair what had happened and address it.
In that conversation, I told him, “What you said to me wasn’t okay. And also I forgive you. I know you didn’t mean it. I know your emotions were running really high and that sometimes that feels like the only way to express just how badly you feel is to say something hurtful that you hope will bring somebody else into the pain with you.”
And he apologized as he always does.
I then said, “I accept your apology, and I will always forgive you for things like this, but now that you’re getting older, I want you to understand that I have been very forgiving of outbursts like this your whole life. But now that you’re a teenager, I need you to understand that other people in the world might not be as willing to quickly accept your apology. Words hurt, and the people that you love the most, that are the closest to you should not be a verbal punching bag for you when you’re upset.”
And he said, “I know mom, I get it.”
So fast forward about a month later…
We were at a family reunion and that environment can be really, really hard for Noah because it’s a lot of noise and a lot of really little kids in his space. So he can get irritable and sometimes lash out.
Well, we were mini golfing, and all of the little kids at the family reunion were running on the green and getting in the way and stepping on balls, and it was annoying. Well, one of his little cousins accidentally kicked his ball, and he got so angry, that he sort of yelled at this little cousin. Well, I pulled him aside, and I said, “Noah, I know how frustrating it is with all these little kids around. But you cannot treat your cousins like that. Especially not this little cousin. He looks up to you so much. You have to be aware this could hurt him and harm your long-term relationship.”
Well, after a couple minutes, with no prompt from me, I watched Noah walk over to his little cousin, put his arm around him. and say, “Henry. I’m so sorry that I yelled at you. That wasn’t okay.” His little cousin looked up and lit up and said, “It’s okay, Noah.” And it was over.
What a mom win to witness that interaction and to realize all of the hard work that I have been doing for the last 13 years has been doing something! It’s paying off! I was so proud of him.
The hard work of communicating for connection with your kids will absolutely pay off. It is so worth doing. And if it’s not something you’ve mastered yet, it’s a skill that can be learned.
So, how are you doing with communicating for connection?
I mentioned above that I developed a self-assessment tool for moms. I use this assessment in my program that I teach to overwhelmed moms who want to know themselves better, more fully honor their needs, and more deeply love their people. I call it Self-Assured Motherhood.
At the beginning of that program, these SAM sisters (as we call them) color in a Venn diagram based on where they’re currently sitting with each of the principles of Self-Assured Motherhood. I give them a definition of what it looks like to be green in this area, what it looks like to be yellow in this area, and what it looks like to be red in this area.
This way, they can visually see how they’re doing and they can honestly self-assess.
At the end of the program, they do the same exercise so they can concretely see how much they have grown and learned over our time together. It is truly incredible to witness their progress!
Today I am going to give you the green, yellow, and red definitions that I give to the women in my program for this eighth principle of self-assured motherhood, and you can mentally decide what color best describes you right now:
If you’re green: You allow your loved ones to feel their emotions without silencing them or shaming them. You don’t often resort to control tactics like yelling, disengaging, or shaming, but when you do, you apologize and talk through it, leading to greater connection.
If you’re yellow: You are actively working on not yelling, shaming, or disengaging from your children as often, but it feels like you still have a long way to go. You sometimes feel distant and disconnected from the people you love, and you worry that your nonverbal communication might be making that worse.
If you’re red: You yell at your family, shame them, or emotionally retreat from them much more often than you’d like. You feel like you don’t have concrete skills to de-escalate their behaviors and manage their emotions or yours. You’re often distracted, and your body language communicates tension or disinterest
Where are you with communicating for connection? Are you green, yellow, or red?
Wherever you are on that green, yellow, red spectrum, I promise you I’ve been there. Sometimes I do great in this area, other times, I’m not at my best. If I’m not feeling well, or if I’m not doing emotionally, I can have a hard time with this skill. So. Wherever you are, it’s okay. No shame. You can learn to communicate for connection. No matter what color you rated yourself, my Self-Assured Motherhood program can help you! We take an entire month to learn how to communicate for connection through emotion coaching and other skills.
I hope you will join us in my Self-Assured Motherhood program this fall. Enrollment for the program will open September 9th, and if you download that “Green, Yellow, Red” self-assessment, you’ll be automatically added to the program waitlist and you’ll get a special discount as soon as the doors open for enrollment. (Plus, one lucky mama will get a free admission to SAM!)
I’m rooting for you as you communicate for connection! You will see the amazing difference it makes in your relationships with your children! Share your experiences in the comments below!
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Related Episodes like this one on Communicating for Connection:
- 262: 3 Ways to Recover from Mom Burnout
- 314: How to Feel like Yourself in Motherhood // Aleisha McKean
- 030: How to Coach Your Children Through Their Big Emotions // Georgia Anderson
Mentioned in the Episode:
Sponsors:
- BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Go to betterhelp.com/3in30 to get 10% off your first month of online therapy.
