We all know how important it is to raise securely attached kids, but how to do it can be the tricky part!
It’s true what they say about parenting: The days are long but the years are short. I feel like the years are flying by with my two kids, who are both now in double digits, and I often find myself wondering how I can parent them in a way that will keep our bonds strong through their teen years and into adulthood – and in a way that they will thrive in their adult relationships after they leave my care.
This is why I’ve been drawn to the work of therapist and author Eli Harwood, who has dedicated her career to studying research on attachment theory and making it applicable to everyday humans trying to build secure relationships, whether that’s the clients in her private practice, the hundreds of thousands who follow her on social media, or the people across the world who read her books.
Eli’s newest book, Raising Securely Attached Kids, comes out on September 3, 2024, and it was a thrill to have her back on the podcast to discuss this important topic.
Eli is a mom of three, including a set of twins, so her wise insights on parenting come as much from personal experience as they do from research. You are going to love hearing her talk all about raising securely attached kids.
Before we jump into her takeaways, I first want to review the overview of attachment Eli shares with us:
The way we respond to our children, especially when they are feeling distressed or tender, sets up a pattern of attachment for them that they will bring into the rest of their lives and their adult relationships.
Eli describes four main attachment patterns:
Avoidant: An avoidant pattern means rather than reaching for a loved one to help you soothe in moments of distress, you avoid contact with other people because you feel like a burden and/or you don’t believe your loved one will really be able to help you regulate (either because they dismiss your tender emotions or because they overly panic about them).
Resistant: A resistant pattern results from having an intermittently emotionally available caregiver as a child. You learned to reach for your attachment figures because sometimes they could respond effectively to help you soothe, but you also learned that you couldn’t trust the consistency, so you became anxious and hypervigilant about your attachments and resistant to being soothed.
Disorganized: A disorganized attachment pattern comes from having a caregiver who not only couldn’t respond effectively to your tender and distressing feelings when you were a child, but sadly they were often the cause of your tender and distressing feelings because they were abusive, aggressive, addicted to drugs, or seriously mentally ill without treatment. Children who grow up in this dynamic have no concrete strategy for getting their emotional needs met because their caregiver frightens them. If you were raised in an environment like this: First of all, I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better than that. Second, as Eli assured us, you can heal and have beautiful relationships going forward with a lot of support, therapy, medication if necessary, and self-love.
Secure: The optimal attachment pattern is, of course, being securely attached. That is what we are all hoping to develop with our children, and, in Eli’s words, it is characterized by “a caregiver’s capacity to give a child a secure, connected emotional experience, so that the child can sense these things: 1) I can rely on my parent to show up consistently. 2) I can rely on my parent to be warm, accepting, and understanding. 3) I can rely on my parent to be sturdy and solid.”
As a result, a securely attached child learns, ”When I am in distress, I can actively reach for my loved ones because I am not a burden, and I can trust the people whom I love, and my body will feel better as a result of sharing my pain and opening my heart.”
Of course, we all want our children to develop this inner belief about themselves and their relationships. But HOW?? How do we make sure we are on track to give our children secure attachment patterns as they head into adulthood? Well, to start, we need to keep in mind Eli’s 3 Bs: Body, Beliefs, and Behaviors. These are our three main takeaways, so let’s run through those.
Here we go!
Eli Harwood’s 3 Takeaways on Raising Securely Attached Kids:
1. Take care of your body.
Eli asks, “What does your body need in order to feel nourished, nurtured, and safe?” When we feel nourished enough, nurtured enough, and safe enough, then we can be a buffer for our children, and they can draw upon our nervous system when they are dysregulated. This also includes trauma work if that’s necessary!
2. Understand your beliefs about parenting.
Eli encourages us to ask ourselves: “What do I believe about my role as a parent? Will it lead me toward greater understanding, compassion, clarity, and connection with my child? Or does this belief actually get in the way of me being the tender, mature, responsive parent that I want to be?”
3. Adjust your behaviors to become someone your children can trust more emotionally.
We can do that by lighting up when our kids come into the room; showing up and being present for our kids when they are tender or triumphant; listening up when our kids share something that is important to them; and making up when we act in ways that don’t lead to connection.
Well, she’s a powerhouse. I love talking to her about securely attached kids. I was furiously scribbling notes during that interview because there were WAY more than three takeaways in that conversation! There is SO much to unpack here, which is why Eli wrote an entire book about it. You can get Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood wherever books are sold.
Friends, I’m rooting for you! This is hard work we are doing to show up as emotionally healthy parents, but it is worth it! I’m sending you all my love and encouragement.
If you want to dive a bit deeper into managing your anger so it doesn’t negatively impact your children’s sense of connection to you, be sure to come to my live online masterclasses all about how to “reroute your mom rage” these next two weeks. Click here to get signed up for that.
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>>> What did you think about Eli’s takeaways about raising securely attached kids? I would love to hear your thoughts! Comment below!
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Related Episodes like this one on the Raising Securely Attached Kids:
- 279: Navigating Parenting Triggers // Nat Vikitsreth
- 340: How to Be a Safe Place for your Sweetheart// Eli Harwood
- 367: 3 Ways to Create Lasting Bonds with Your Kids // Mike Westover (Rachel’s Dad!)
Mentioned in the Episode:
- 3in30podcast.com/freeclass: Sign up for my FREE masterclass all about rerouting your mom rage!
- Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood
About our Guest:
Eli Harwood has dedicated more than 17 years of her career as a therapist and teacher. She has studied research on attachment theory in great depth, and her goal is to make it applicable to everyday humans trying to build secure relationships. Eli helps clients in her private practice, hundreds of thousands who follow her on social media, and people worldwide who read her books. Eli’s newest book, Raising Securely Attached Kids, comes out tomorrow, and it was a thrill to have her back on the podcast to talk about this important topic. Eli is a mom of three, including a set of twins, so her wise insights on parenting come as much from personal experience as they do from research
Get in Touch with our Guest:
- Website: https://attachmentnerd.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
Sponsors:
- KiwiCo: Use code 3in30 for 50% off your first month on any crate line!
