Are you looking for ADHD parenting tips?
Parenting a child with big emotions, big reactions, and a neurodiverse brain can be a real challenge. 🫠
I know this firsthand because my son Noah has always been spicy and spirited, and he was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of 5th grade. His formal diagnosis has been a huge blessing for our family, as it has given us a way to research ways to support him and to help him understand his own unique brain and body.
One of our biggest sources of education has been The Childhood Collective, a website hosted by three moms who are experts in child development. Lori and Mallory are both child psychologists, and Katie is a speech-language pathologist. They offer incredibly helpful online courses, social media content, and a podcast called Shining with ADHD.
I was honored to be a guest on their podcast earlier this year, talking about what I have learned in my journey as the parent of a child with ADHD, and they graciously allowed me to re-air the audio from that interview here on 3 in 30.
ADHD Parenting Tips – 3 Tips to Stay Calm and Connected:
1. Remember that ADHD is a legitimate disability.
This takeaway could be considered somewhat controversial because some people insist that ADHD is a superpower and should not be considered a disorder or a disability–and yes, it IS a superpower in so many ways. My son has unreal levels of creativity and a remarkable ability to think outside the box and push the status quo, and I have no doubt that this will bless him throughout his life.
But as I am parenting him now–as I am navigating the messes and the forgotten homework and the impulsive decisions and the big emotions–it helps me so much to stay calm and connected to him when I remember that his diagnosis is legitimate. His brain does not work the way that other children’s brains work, and therefore he should not be held to the same standard as his neurotypical peers.
Would I be angry at my child with Down Syndrome for not being able to meet the same academic standards as his peers? Of course not! Would I be angry with my child in a wheelchair for not being able to walk? Of course not!
So why am I so frustrated with my child who has ADHD for his big emotions, impulsiveness, and absent-mindedness, etc? Because ADHD is more of an “invisible” disability, it’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming my child personally when he “misbehaves”–when the focus should remain squarely on the condition and accommodating for it.
Dr. Russell Barkley teaches in his book 12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD that a child with ADHD is developmentally 30% younger socially and emotionally than their actual age. That puts things into perspective for me! Sometimes my husband and I remind each other of this when we are frustrated by behaviors, and it is helpful!
2. Talk through your own compensatory strategies for your child, so they hear executive functions modeled.
This takes no extra time on your part…it’s just a matter of narrating aloud what you are doing and why, so your child feels like you are a team, figuring out how to manage life and juggle all the details together. (In the interview I said that Noah and I are a “team in our scatteredness,” and I love that.)
You can also ask your child questions to get them thinking of their own compensatory strategies, such as, “How will you remember that your homework is due tomorrow?” or “What could you do to reward yourself after your room is clean?” etc.
Over time, this will make it easier for your child to be responsible–and that will help you feel much calmer as a parent.
Here are some examples of daily tasks and decisions that I narrate for my son:
- “I set a timer for 28 minutes because that’s when this load of laundry will be done. That will help me remember to forward it to the dryer.”
- “I got a lanyard for my keys and tied them to my purse, so it would be harder for me to lose them.”
- “It is very important that I don’t forget this paperwork tomorrow, so I am going to put it in the car right now because I know I’m likely to forget in the morning craziness.”
- “I really don’t want to fold this laundry, but I know it needs to be done, so I’m going to watch a show while I do it. That will motivate me.”
You can also ask your child questions to get them thinking of their own compensatory strategies, such as “How will you remember that your screentime is up in thirty minutes?” or “What could you do to reward yourself after your room is clean?”
Over time, this will make it easier for your child to be responsible–and that will help you feel much calmer as a parent.
3. Look for the good in your child, especially in super hard seasons.
This is especially important if it’s difficult to find the good.
When I was a new mom and Noah was colicky, I was really struggling. I had looked forward to motherhood so much and idealized it so much, and it was not living up to what I had hoped for!
During this time, I heard a religious sermon that talked about a young minor in the California gold rush who went looking to strike it rich. He thought he was going to find big nuggets of gold everywhere, but day after day, he dipped his pan in the river and only found rocks.
In discouragement, he decided to go home. As he was packing up, an elderly prospector walked by and the young man noticed that this elderly prospector had a big pouch that seemed to be weighed down with gold. So he stopped him and said, “I want to know your secret. How did you find those big golden nuggets?”
The elderly prospector said, “You just don’t know where to look. These aren’t big nuggets.”
He then opened up his pouch. Inside were flecks of gold that the prospector had collected over time.
He then said, “Start looking for the flecks and accumulating the flecks, and that will become a treasure to you.”
This hit me hard, and I determined to start looking for the flecks of gold in my motherhood. I began writing them down each day.
When you start looking for the flecks of gold, it becomes all you can see. It rewires the story that you’re telling yourself about that child. And it becomes a tangible practice to see you child in a new light.
This is why I created my Flecks of Gold Journal. I needed a daily reminder to find the golden moments with my strong-willed son. The more I wrote them down, the more I noticed them happening in real-time. I was literally re-writing the stories that I told myself about my intense child, and it has made ALL of the difference in my relationship with him.
Friends, I am rooting for you! Your child is so lucky to have such a devoted mom! They are blessed that you want good for them and that you seek ADHD parenting tips. You are incredible, I hope you know that. 🫶
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What did you think of these ADHD parenting tips on staying calm and connected? Do you have a child with ADHD? What tips do you have to share? Comment below!
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Related Episodes like this one on the ADHD Parenting Tips:
- 323: Parenting with ADHD // Alex Gilbert
- 198: Empowering Kids with ADHD // Dr. Mary Wilde
- 197: How to Advocate for Your Child in School // Emily Orchard
Mentioned in the Episode:
Sponsors:
- BetterHelp: 3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms is sponsored by BetterHelp. Go to betterhelp.com/3in30 to get 10% off your first month of online therapy.
