Parenting Advice for Teenagers: How to ENJOY these years!

Are you feeling out of your depth as you struggle to navigate the teen years? My son, Noah, just turned 13, and I have noticed a definite shift in some of the dynamics of our relationship. That’s why I’m so grateful for experts who can help me!  

My guest, Amie Anger, Child & Family Therapist, LCSW, submitted the following article when we were setting up our interview. I thought it was SO GOOD that I decided to include her words as this week’s blog post! I hope you find it as helpful as I have!

 

Amie Anger’s Parenting Advice for Teenagers: 

I’ve noticed a trend when it comes to individuals, professionals included, talking about what helps during the teen years.  Teens are characterized as sullen and sulky, and usually in their bedroom with the door closed.  The parenting advice for teenagers that follows is largely based on the presumption that teens are moody and difficult people.  The feeling that follows this paradigm is something along the lines of “take a deep breath, cross your fingers, and wait to get to the other side of the teen years when you can like your child again.” 

I feel this is deeply misguided and sacrifices the depth of relationship that can develop with your teen during this critical time of development before they take the leap into adulthood.  I’d like to present a different narrative around teens…..one that is based on both my professional and personal experience.   When we understand what is happening developmentally in the world of teens, we can respect the ups and downs and respond in ways to them that not only keeps us connected, but actually deepens our relationship with them and sets the stage for a healthy adult-adult relationship with them long-term.  It requires understanding and intention.

 

Parenting Advice for Teenagers: 3 Ways to Enjoy Your Teen

 

1. Yes, your teen will pull away from you (this is a critical part of their development!), but it doesn’t mean you have to be disconnected.

Remember the toddler years when your child would run away from you–and then turn almost terrified and jump back into your arms?  Or when you were holding them and they would push and fight to get out of your arms, and then the minute you tried to set them down, they would cling tightly to your neck? 

In the child development world, we call this stage “rapproachment,” and it is characterized by the child simultaneously moving away from their parent (physically and emotionally) and returning to their parent (physically and emotionally).  This is an important stage in toddler development as they gain their autonomy and master separation anxiety.  

I would suggest that there is a similar rapproachment phase during the teen years, more emotionally than physically.  Your teen is working to develop their independence from you as they establish their own identity, while at the same time feeling terrified of this emerging independence and what it means for them.  The challenge and goal for parents in this stage is to recognize your teen’s need for independence without taking their rejections too personally.

Your child is testing the boundaries of your relationship with them and figuring out what the boundaries of the adult-adult relationship will look like. In a way, the silent question they are asking is “Can I show my most horrible parts to you and still be accepted by you?” The answer needs to be yes, but that does not mean you become a doormat for your child’s criticisms and rejections. The way to do this is to focus on two things: boundaries and connection. (More on those in a second.) But even before focusing on those things, you as the parent need to fully understand and embrace that there will be moments where you feel rejected by your teen, and you have to find what works for you to not internalize that and become reactive.  

 

When you experience this pushing away, come up with a mantra, and get it to a point where this is automatic. A few versions might be, “This is them, not me” or “Their teen is showing, and that’s okay.”

 

Choose something light that serves to remind you that they are going through something that you do not need to get emotionally dragged into.

A family I was working with in my therapy practice found themselves having the same argument over and over again. The daughter shared very little with her parents, and they were often left wondering at what was going on in her world.  This was hard for them, and the mom, in particular, took it very personally and worried she was losing what used to be a close relationship.

When the daughter did reach out to her parents, it was almost always over something she needed from them: a ride, money for an activity, help with something school related. The mom got to a point where she felt so taken advantage of that she was unwilling to engage with the daughter’s requests for help…then they would get into a big argument, the daughter would figure it out herself and pull away from the mom, and the cycle would inevitably repeat itself. 

My work with this family focused on helping the parents understand normal teen development (Mom’s mantra in this case was “She’s the teen, I’m the mom”) and to balance respecting her need for space with the expectation that she treat them with kindness and respect.  We did this by helping them clarify boundaries and focus on connection, which leads to our next takeaway:

 

2. Good boundaries help you stay closer to your teen rather than keeping you separated. 

 

The message that you should send to your teen with your boundaries is that respect is expected and maintained, even in the midst of conflict or personal turmoil. 

 

We know that no person ever feels great after they lose their cool and go on a rant unchecked – and we know that when people don’t feel good about themselves, they are more likely to get upset and go on a rant unchecked. This can become a terrible cycle, so put boundaries in place that nudge your child to step into their best version of themselves. You will both feel better as a result. 

As you decide which boundaries to put in place, help your teen understand that they show you the boundary they can handle by how they handle the boundary they currently have.  Here’s an example of how this has played out in my house: 

One of my teens is a very happy night owl, but when they stay up late, the rest of us pay the price with an overtired person who is grumpy and can’t handle what anyone in the house does without responding in irritation or criticism.  As weekends rolled around, we noticed that Sundays became the most frustrating day in our house because by that time, this child had two late nights under their belt, and they were really feeling the drain of it by Sunday. As a result, the rest of us were subjected to their exhausted anger and irritability.

We let this child know that what they were showing us was that they couldn’t stay up late AND be kind the next day–so that showed us that curfew needed to be moved earlier.  Naturally this was unwelcome news, but we held the boundary and curfew remained earlier for a few weeks. After a few weekends, and lots of begging to try again, we allowed the later curfew with the understanding that we would know whether or not they could handle staying out later by how they treated our family the next day.  

Because we were consistent, we all knew what was expected as well as the anticipated outcome if expectations weren’t met.  This child took ownership of that and made sure to make it clear to us through their behavior that they could handle the later curfew. 

It’s important in my work to help parents understand that the consequence should support the boundary, and if it doesn’t, it’s time to tweak the consequence – otherwise the boundary is only a boundary in theory, but not in practice.

 

3. Consistent connection with your teen is key to enjoying the teen years, and it’s ok if this connection looks different than it did when they were younger.  

Connection is the key for everything else to run smoothly…this is true with all kids, marriages, & relationships. It’s probably easy to picture this in your own family: if you and your spouse or child are distant or at odds with each other, and then they make a request of you, you are more likely to feel irritated by this and less likely to follow through.

On the other hand, when you feel close to someone and they ask something of you, it is much easier to go along with what they have requested.

Many parents experience a sort of melancholy that comes with the gradual shift that comes in the teen years. I often hear versions of “They used to always ask to spend time with me, and now they barely seem to care if I’m around.” 

It is hard to realize that we are no longer the center of our child’s world, but as the parent in the room, we have to move past feelings of rejection and be intentional about the way we are connecting with our teens. And we have to do this with very low expectations that they will reciprocate. They might, they might not.  

 

The teen years are the time to think outside the box in terms of how we connect with our kids. Be willing to let go of the old ways that are no longer working and be willing to get creative.  Here are a few ideas to get your creative juices flowing around connecting with teens:

• Send them a video, picture, or article about something they are interested in
• Drop their favorite treat on their pillow or in their car with a note
• Let them overhear you bragging about them to a grandparent or friend
• Pick a movie or TV series to watch together
• Hit the drive-thru on the way home from an activity (food seems to magically help kids open up more)
• Grab them to take a walk together (something about moving frees kids up to be more talkative)
• Let them plan the menu, then get in the kitchen together and make the food.  

Here’s how this looked in a family I worked with. The family came to see me because of increasing disrespect with their teen son. It had gotten to the point where it seemed like no matter what they asked, he was dismissive and disrespectful. This affected the tone of the whole house, and they couldn’t seem to break this cycle.

Through separate conversations with the parents and the son, I could see that with the busyness of everyone’s lives, they had experienced significant disconnection in the quality of their interactions. They had shifted into a mode, without even realizing it, where every encounter was transactional, not personal, and the son’s behavior was one of the most obvious manifestations of this.

I asked the parents to try something for one week between our sessions: Instead of focusing on what they needed their son to do, I wanted them to each find three connection points with him every day. They took this to heart, and even after one week, they had already seen a significant improvement in how their son responded to them and treated everyone in the home. Some of the examples they shared of what they did: 

• Sent him the pictures that popped up in their “memories” from photos with a quick note about what they remembered from that day
• Texted him from the store to see if he had any food or meal requests so they could grab the necessary ingredients
• Asked if it was ok to send his game highlights to share with his grandparents
• Introduced him to one of their favorite movies, complete with the movie snacks he loves
• Shared one of their playlists with him they thought he would like

Sometimes we forget that connecting with our  kids can just be doing the same thing we are already doing (like a trip to the grocery store) with a little more intention (asking for meal or food requests). We don’t have to create 4 more hours in the day, we just need to make it clear that we are thinking of them. The consideration goes a long way in the connection.

 

The teen years can be emotional and exhausting for parents who are navigating a shifting relationship with their child–but these years do not have to be miserable. If we can remember that it is developmentally appropriate for our teens to distance themselves from us, and yet we still must insist on good boundaries and pursue a proactive connection with them, our relationship with our child can make it through these years stronger than ever. 

 

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What did you think of Amie’s parenting advice for teenagers? Do you have a teen? What do you do to connect with them? Comment below! 

 

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Related Episodes like this one on Parenting Advice for Teenagers:

• 303: How to Talk to Teenagers // Brooke Romney
• 358: Creating Golden Moments with Teenagers // Saren Eyre Loosli
• 367: 3 Ways to Create Lasting Bonds with Your Kids // Mike Westover (Rachel’s Dad!)

 

Mentioned in the Episode:

• Parenting Advice for Teenagers Playlist

 

About our Guest:

Amie Anger is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and mom of 6 kids ranging from 11-18 years old. She got the surprise of identical triplets on her last pregnancy! I’d say her personal parenting experience is enough to qualify her to speak to us about parenting, but beyond that, Amie has a Bachelor’s in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work, as well as two years of post-graduate fellowship training at the Yale Child Study Center through the Yale School of Medicine. Amie has been a clinician in private practice, specializing in child and family counseling, for the past 17 years.

 

Get in Touch with Our Guest:

• Instagram: @therealparent
• Tik Tok: the.real.parent

 

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