417: The Sneaky Ways Comparison Creeps Into Conversations (and How to Stop It) // Kathie Gwilliam

February 17, 2025

Let’s talk about how to stop comparing yourself to others in your conversations…

In the world of aviation, it doesn’t take much for a plane to get completely off course. I first learned about this from pilot Dieter F. Uchdorf who explained: “Suppose you were to take off from an airport at the equator, intending to circumnavigate the globe, but your course was off by just one degree. By the time you returned to the same longitude, how far off course would you be? A few miles? A hundred miles? The answer might surprise you. An error of only one degree would put you almost 500 miles off course….”

I thought of this metaphor after talking with Kathie Gwilliam about the power of our words. Sometimes, one single, nuanced word can change the entire direction of a conversation. One self-deprecating comment thrown out due to habit or social conditioning can turn an honest compliment into a moment of awkwardness between you and your friend. Words are incredibly powerful, and small shifts in our language can make a huge difference in the direction of our relationships – most importantly, in the direction of our relationship with ourselves.

We might not even notice how often we minimize ourselves or compare ourselves to others–because it’s just so common. But Kathie Gwilliam has been noticing, and she’s on a mission to help women stop comparing themselves to others and start living with more confidence and lasting contentment in their personal, family, and professional lives.

Kathie is an author, speaker, mother of five, and host of the Project Confidence podcast. She has published five children’s picture books and her first inspirational non-fiction book is currently in the works.

I feel like her work is so aligned with the work that I do in my Self-Assured Motherhood program, where I teach women how to find deep and anchored confidence in who they are – and then bring the best of themselves to their families, communities, and the world.

I love this conversation about the power of little words and how we can change our language so we don’t unintentionally encourage comparison.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself in Your Conversations:

1. Don’t use the word “just” when describing your circumstances.

Using the word “just” to describe a situation or life choice implies that you or your child are not as good as someone or something else. Often, we insert the word “just” because we have internalized a belief that others will view our choice or circumstances as less than, so we want to beat them to it. This invites them to either agree with our assessment and give their advice for how we can improve ourselves (like that obnoxious doctor did for Kathie), or it makes them feel like they need to reassure us, pity us, or affirm us. Neither result feels very empowering, and luckily, removing that one simple word from your speech and tone takes away the comparison and replaces it with acknowledgment, acceptance, and agency over your current circumstances.

2. Take comparison out of your compliments.

When we compliment someone else, and then immediately criticize and compare ourselves, it cheapens the compliment. “You are an amazing cook–I could never do that.” The compliment is no longer about appreciating whatever you admire about the other person, but instead becomes self-deprecating and a little awkward. Now the other person feels like they have to downplay their accomplishment, justify it in some way, and make you feel better about yourself. So just give the compliment, and leave yourself out of it! (I am saying this to myself as much as I am saying it to anyone else.)

3. Don’t talk negatively about yourself or others.

Our children, friends, and family are listening, and whether we intend this or not, if they hear us being critical of ourselves or others, they will absorb the message that we are also critical of them. I very much related to Kathie’s example that when her friend talks cruelly about her own body in a swimsuit, Kathie no longer feels as safe being in a bathing suit around that friend. The same goes for friends who gossip about others who aren’t there. It makes me feel much less safe in the relationship because I assume they are equally critical of me when I’m not around. Words matter–perhaps especially the way we talk about ourselves. Remember, it’s okay to acknowledge that you aren’t good at everything, but do it in a genuine tone of acceptance and love for yourself. “That’s not my strength, and that’s okay. I am good at some things, and other people are good at other things. And that’s why we all need each other!”

Thank you for being here my friends. I really do know, without a doubt, that you have incredible gifts, and I hope you will stop minimizing those through the words that you say and start stepping into your strength, confidence, and contentment as you better love yourself and others.

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How to Stop Comparing Yourself in Your Conversations with Kathie Gwilliam. 3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms Podcast with host Rachel Nielson. Top Motherhood Podcasts. Best Podcasts for Moms. Top Parenting Podcasts. Infographic.

>>>Were these takeaways from Kathie on how to help stop comparing yourself helpful? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below!

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Related Episodes on How to Stop Comparing Yourself:

About Our Guest:

Get in Touch with Our Guest:

Instagram: @kathiegspeaks
Podcast: Project Confidence

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