How to Parent Strong-Willed Children Without Losing Your Mind
If you have a strong-willed child, you know that traditional parenting strategies don’t always work. These kids push back hard—and sometimes, the more you try to control them, the more they dig in their heels.
This week on the podcast, I had the privilege of talking with Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and host of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Kirk has worked with thousands of strong-willed kids (including his own!), and his insights are both practical and hilarious. If you’ve ever felt frustrated or out of ideas when it comes to parenting your strong-willed child, this episode is for you!
3 Takeaways from Kirk Martin on Parenting Strong-Willed Children:
1. The quickest way to change your child’s behavior is to first control your own.
Strong-willed kids don’t respond to yelling, pleading, or bribing—but they do respond to calm, confident leadership. Kirk suggests focusing on two things this week:
- Body posture – Instead of storming into a room with frustration, try something unexpected. Sit down on the floor and start reading a book. The shift in your energy can often shift theirs, too.
- Even tone of voice – Strong-willed kids see through fake sweetness and manipulation. Instead of pleading or trying to convince them, use a matter-of-fact, confident tone. It’s incredibly grounding for them.
2. Get to the root of the issue before reacting to the behavior.
When your child is melting down or refusing to do something, it’s easy to assume they’re being defiant. But often, there’s something else going on under the surface—especially anxiety.
For example, if your child begged to sign up for Taekwondo and then suddenly refuses to go, there’s likely some nervousness at play. Instead of forcing or bribing them, try normalizing their feelings:
- “Of course, you’re nervous! It’s a new place with new people.”
- “I get nervous at new things, too. Want to go early so you can meet the teacher before class starts?”
Taking the time to understand why they’re resisting something can help you guide them in a way that builds trust instead of power struggles.
3. Use movement and space to de-escalate big emotions.
When a child is overwhelmed, talking at them won’t help (just like you don’t love hearing “calm down” when you’re upset). Instead, Kirk suggests giving them something to do that puts them back in control.
- Give them a task. “Hey, can you help me open this spaghetti jar?” or “I need someone strong to move that pile of mulch in the backyard.”
- Use movement. Playing catch, running an obstacle course, or even shoveling dirt can help them reset their emotions.
- Create space. “I need to grab something from the kitchen—be right back.” Giving them room to process their emotions can be more effective than forcing a conversation in the heat of the moment.
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What did you think of Kirk Martin’s tips on parenting strong-willed children? Which tip will you use first? Let me know in the comments!
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Mentioned in the Episode:
For a FREE printable with tips for de-escalating meltdowns, along with a private podcast feed that includes all of the episodes I’ve produced on raising strong-willed kids, click here!
Related Episodes like this on Parenting Strong-Willed Children:
- 242: What to Do When Your Kids are Fighting // Dr. Laura Markham
- 266: Parenting Strong-Willed Kids // Wendy Snyder
- 391: Parenting a Child with ADHD: How to Stay Calm and Connected // Rachel on The Childhood Collective
About our Guest:
CelebrateCalm.com Founder and Calm Parenting Podcast host Kirk Martin has shown almost 1,000,000 parents how to stop the yelling, defiance, and power struggles with the most strong-willed children. Kirk is known for very practical strategies and scripts delivered with humor and compassion.
Get in touch with our Guest!
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Website: www.celebratecalm.com
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Instagram: Calm Parenting Podcast
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