440: Tools for Parenting a “Spicy” Child // Mary Van Geffen

July 28, 2025

Parenting strong-willed children is… intense.

Oh, the stories I could tell about raising a strong-willed child.

But if you’re parenting one yourself, you probably don’t need to hear my stories—you already have a dozen of your own from this week alone.

These kids are intense. They’re persistent. They’re deeply sensitive and wildly independent. They know what they want, and they don’t respond well to being told no. While they’re often destined to be leaders, creators, and world-changers… raising them can feel like a full-contact sport.

And when the advice from well-meaning friends and parenting books doesn’t work, it’s easy to start wondering if there’s something wrong—with your child, or with you.

That’s why I’m so excited to re-share one of my favorite episodes of all time: a conversation with international parenting coach Mary Van Geffen, known as “the coach for moms of spicy ones.” This conversation is part of our SAM 6 Summer Series, and it highlights the sixth and final principle in the Self-Assured Motherhood Framework: Support Their Struggles.

If your summer has been feeling more spicy than sweet, this episode is for you.

3 Tools for Parenting Strong-Willed Children

1. Mentally: Delight in your child—even when it’s hard.

Spicy kids often receive constant correction. They can feel like they’re always doing something wrong, and over time, that starts to shape how they see themselves. One of Mary’s most powerful reminders in this episode is that you may be one of the only people in your child’s life who truly delights in them—just as they are. And that delight? That unconditional warmth? It’s one of the most healing gifts you can give them.

Start with small moments of noticing and naming the good. Even on the hardest days, look for a single bright spot—and if you need help training your brain to see it, try a gratitude practice like the Flecks of Gold Journal, designed just for this purpose.

2. Physically: Unclench your body—and help your child do the same.

Parenting a strong-willed child often puts our nervous system on high alert. You might not even realize how much tension you’re holding until your jaw aches or your shoulders are tight. Mary encourages us to check in with our bodies throughout the day and intentionally release that tension. Shake it out. Breathe deeply. Dance in the kitchen. Move your body so you don’t carry stress like armor.

Mary also introduces the idea of controlled destruction—creative, safe outlets for your child to release big emotions. Tearing paper, throwing ice at the sidewalk, pounding a pillow—these outlets aren’t about encouraging aggression, they’re about helping your child regulate in a healthy way.

3. Spiritually: Zoom out and ask what this season is here to teach you.

Mary believes that parenting a strong-willed child is a spiritual calling. It stretches you, refines you, and invites you to become more patient, more grounded, and more compassionate—not just toward your child, but toward yourself. One of my favorite reflections in the episode was this: What if your success as a mother isn’t measured by how your child turns out, but by how you turn out? This is hard work. But it’s also soul work. And if you can stay connected to the big picture, it will carry you through the rough days.

You’re Not Failing—You’re Growing If this episode resonated with you, I hope you’ll take a moment to acknowledge how much effort and love you’re putting into your motherhood.

You’re doing sacred, soul-stretching work. And if you’d like a visual snapshot of how you’re doing across the six Self-Assured Motherhood principles—including where you’re thriving and where you might need more support—you can take my free SAM Framework Quiz.

And be sure to go back and listen to the rest of the SAM 6 Summer Series, if you haven’t already. Each episode is designed to help you reconnect with what matters most—and love your motherhood, even in the messy middle.

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Tools for Parenting Strong-Willed Children with Mary Van Geffen. 3 in 30 Podcast with host Rachel Nielson. Top Motherhood Podcasts. Top Podcasts for Moms. Best Parenting Podcasts. Infographic

Are these tips on parenting strong-willed children from Mary Van Geffen helpful? Do you have any tips to share from parenting your spicy child? Tell us in the comments below.

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Related Episodes on Parenting Strong-Willed Children:

About Our Guest:

Mary Van Geffen is an international parenting coach for moms of “spicy ones”—strong-willed, sensitive, and intense children who don’t fit into traditional parenting boxes. With humor, heart, and a deep well of wisdom, Mary helps overwhelmed moms stay grounded, compassionate, and connected—even in the midst of big emotions and daily power struggles.

A certified Simplicity Parenting Counselor and Professional Co-Active Coach, Mary offers practical tools and soulful perspective through her online courses, group coaching programs, and wildly relatable Instagram content. She’s best known for helping moms choose connection over control and cultivate calm leadership—even when their child is melting down over the color of their cup.

Mary lives in Southern California with her two teenagers—a spicy daughter and a “diet-spicy” son—and believes that parenting is a spiritual practice that shapes who we become, not just how our kids turn out.

Get in Touch with Our Guest:

Website: www.maryvangeffen.com
Instagram: @maryvangeffen

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