Things Your Kids Need to Hear From You
Three Things Your Kids Need to Hear From You!
1.”It’s okay if you’re mad at me or disappointed in me.”
When Eli’s mom first said this to her, she was trying to convince herself it was true just as much as she was trying to convince Eli. But these words taught Eli something crucial—that she existed outside of her mom, with her mom, and that her feelings were her own. Eli calls this “right side up parenting”—when the parent contains the child’s emotions instead of the child trying to manage the parent’s feelings. When our kids can show up exactly as they are (angry, sad, defiant, disappointed) and we stay steady, we become their safe place.
2. “If you’re ever in trouble and you need me, you won’t be in trouble with me.”
Eli’s mom said this because she knew what it felt like to be unable to go to her own parents when she was struggling. She wanted Eli to know that no matter what happened—whether she made a bad choice, got into a scary situation, or needed help—her mom would show up without judgment or blame. This phrase creates the kind of trust that keeps kids reaching out to us in their hardest moments instead of hiding, and it builds the foundation of reliability that secure attachment is built on.
3. “You don’t owe me anything.”
When Eli’s mom took her out to lunch after eighth grade and said these words, she was breaking a generational cycle of guilt and obligation. She was releasing Eli from the debt that had defined her own childhood—the feeling that children must earn love through performance. When we tell our kids they don’t owe us anything, we free both of us to love without pressure, and we create space for a relationship rooted in genuine connection rather than guilt or manipulation.
These three phrases aren’t just about what we say—they’re about the steady, reliable presence we become for our kids over time. And here’s the most hopeful part: even if you didn’t have this modeled for you growing up, you can learn it now.
This December, as emotions run higher and schedules get more chaotic, remember that those small, uncomfortable moments when your kids are mad at you are actually opportunities to build deeper trust.
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What did you think of this episode? Were these phrases from Eli helpful? Comment below!
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Announcements:
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Related Episodes like this one on Partnership in Parenting:
- 387: Why Calming Yourself Helps Calm Your Child // Eli Harwood, MA, LPC
- 386: Raising Securely Attached Kids // Eli Harwood, MA, LPC
- 367: 3 Ways to Create Lasting Bonds with Your Kids // Mike Westover (Rachel’s Dad!)
About Our Guest:
Eli Harwood is a licensed therapist, creator of Attachment Nerd, and author of the books “Securely Attached” and “Raising Securely Attached Kids,” who has over 19 years of clinical experience helping people process relational traumas and develop secure attachment relationships with their children and partners. Eli has three children, one husband, two cats, a gaggle of baby chicks, and an extraordinary number of plants!
Get in Touch With Our Guest:
- Website: attachmentnerd.com
- Instagram: @attachmentnerd
- Journal: Uniquely Us: Mother-Daughter Journal
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