Years ago, my eight-year-old taught me what to do when your child says “I hate you.”
My kids were fighting over a movie. They know the rule in our house—if you fight over it, it gets turned off—so when one of them kicked the other, I turned off the TV. My son went into his room and started screaming, “I hate you, Mom! I hate you, Mom!” Over and over for about five minutes. This wasn’t typical for him—he used to say it when he was three, but he hadn’t said it in years.
My husband started to get up to discipline him, protective and angry, and I stopped him. “No, just wait. Let him rage.”
I knew it was the end of a long school week. I knew my son was exhausted. And I knew his birth dad was on his way to visit, which meant a lot of emotion was swirling inside that little body with nowhere to go. The pressure had been building all week, and it had to come out somewhere.
So I waited. I let the rage die down until I could just hear him crying, and then I went in and got in bed with him. He
immediately started sobbing, “I’m so sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry I said that. I love you.” And then he started saying, “I’m so stupid,” which is something he would do when he felt ashamed after these big meltdowns. I rubbed his back and said, “You’re not stupid. You’re a human, and humans have big emotions and humans make mistakes.”
Why This Matters
The holidays have a way of amplifying everything—the excitement, the exhaustion, the overstimulation. Our kids don’t always have the words or the capacity to express what they’re feeling in kind, respectful ways, so they say the thing they know will hurt the most. And we’re left standing there wondering how to respond without either letting it slide or making everything worse.
This week’s podcast episode is an encore from March 2023, and I’m bringing it back because this message feels especially timely in the middle of December when emotions are running high for all of us. I share the audio from an Instagram Live I recorded years ago about this experience with my son, and then I walk through three things I’ve learned about how to respond when your child uses big, hurtful words.
What to Do When Your Child Says “I Hate You”: 3 Tips
1. Be the Adult
I mean this in the most loving way possible, but so often we as parents can devolve into very childlike behavior when our children are acting out, and all of a sudden we’re throwing our own tantrum. As Ralphie Jacobs, one of my former podcast guests, would say: stay safe. Continue to be loving, continue to be respectful, continue to be mature, continue to be the safe, stable person in the relationship. You are modeling for them what it looks like to control your anger when you stay safe, even as they’re saying awful words.
2. Validate the Emotions
All emotions are okay, even if not all behaviors are okay—that’s a direct quote from Georgia Anderson, and her episode on emotion coaching literally changed my life. You’re not saying your child has a free pass to hit or scream mean words, but you are saying the emotions they feel are valid, and together you’re going to learn new, better ways to express them. In the moment, you might say something like, “Wow, you are so frustrated right now,” or “You want to use words that show how big your anger is—I believe you, you are furious.” You validate the feeling while later addressing the behavior.
3. Get Outside Support for Your Child (If Needed)
If your child has a persistent pattern of lashing out or having huge rage, get help. I found a play therapist for my son by Googling “play therapist” and the name of our town, and it made such a difference. You can also ask your pediatrician for resources, or if your child has persistent intense emotions, you might ask about a neuropsychological evaluation to see if there’s something going on like ADHD or sensory processing issues. The sooner you find out if your child has additional needs, the sooner you can start getting them support.
Here’s What I Want You to Remember
If your child has said “I hate you” to you this holiday season, you’re not failing. The way you respond in these hard moments matters, and all of this hard work—the staying patient, the staying safe, the allowing your kids to hurl their mean words at you without taking it overly personally—it all pays off. My son has gotten so much better at regulating his emotions, and it’s incredibly rewarding to see.
And if you want a tangible way to build more connection with your kids this season, the Flecks of Gold Journal is a simple practice that takes just a few minutes a day to notice the good in your child and write it down. It’s been a game changer for so many moms heading into the new year.
Save this summary to Pinterest so you can use it later!
What has helped you when your child says hurtful things in the heat of the moment? Comment below!
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Related Episodes like this one on What to Do When Your Child Says I Hate You:
- 452: How to Repair with Your Child After Yelling // Devon Kuntzman
- 232: Minimizing Power Struggles // Denaye Barahona
- 030: How to Coach Your Children through Big Emotions // Georgia Anderson
- 004: How to Stop Yelling at your Kids // Ralphie Jacobs of Simply on Purpose
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