So many of us carry a quiet belief about ourselves that we've never really questioned. It might sound like I've just always been this way, or people will eventually get tired of me, or I'll never really feel good enough, so I might as well stop hoping I will. And because that belief has been with us for so long, it starts to feel less like a belief and more like a fact, as permanent as our height or the color of our eyes.
Many of us believe that self-esteem is something you either got in childhood or you didn't, and the best we can do now is manage around it.Which is exactly why I was so excited to bring today's guest back to the show, because the research she shares offers so much hope. The way we see ourselves is rooted in our memories, and science is showing us that memories are far more changeable than we ever realized.
Dr. Marisa G. Franco first joined me on the podcast back in episode 433 to teach us how to make friends as a mom (if you missed that one, go back and listen, it's so good). Marisa is a psychologist who focuses on human connection and an assistant clinical professor at the University of Maryland, where she earned her PhD in counseling psychology. She's the New York Times bestselling author of Platonic, she writes about friendship for Psychology Today, and she's been a featured connection expert for publications like The New York Times, The Telegraph, and Vice. She also speaks on belonging and mental health at corporations, universities, and government agencies across the country, and when she isn't talking about connection, you'll find her learning languages, biking around new cities, or reading a good nonfiction book. Her most recent book is Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, and it's full of exercises that help you build a sense of worth from the inside out.
Whether you carry heavy memories from childhood or just a handful of small moments that stuck with you more than you'd like to admit, these takeaways will help you treat yourself as someone who matters–and eventually start to believe it too.
3 KEY TAKEAWAYS:
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First, acknowledge your feelings in the present using the three Rs: recognize what you're feeling, regulate by offering yourself the comfort you need, and respond by letting that feeling tell you what you need next. Our feelings carry information about who we are, and when we give ourselves the same care we'd give a crying child, we're treating ourselves as someone who matters.
- Second, try memory reconsolidation. This is simply revisiting an unresolved memory as your adult self, picturing it with all five senses, and then offering your younger self what she needed in that moment: nothing is wrong with you, you are loved, I'm here. It doesn't have to be your hardest memory (Marisa's example of her mom regularly arriving late to soccer pickup is an example of that), and for the heavier moments from your life, this is beautiful work to do alongside a therapist.
- And third, try memory multitasking. When a trigger hits, stay with the feeling in your body while you count by threes or play Tetris, and let your overloaded working memory help downgrade the impact of that painful memory. This isn't about distracting yourself or pushing the feeling away. It's about feeling it while your brain is busy, so the memory can begin to lose some of its charge.
My friend, if you've spent years assuming that the way you feel about yourself is set in stone, I hope this conversation softened that belief, even just a little. You don't have to force yourself to feel okay, and you don't have to heal everything at once. As Marisa put it, the true work of worth is letting what's real be real, and from there, you can offer yourself the tenderness you've always deserved.
As always, I'm rooting for you and I hope you have a beautiful week with your family.
Related Episodes:
About Our Guest:
Dr. Marisa G Franco (she/her/hers) is an assistant clinical professor at the University of Maryland and a psychologist who focuses on human connection. She received her BS in Applied Psychology from New York University and her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. She writes about friendship for Psychology Today and has been a featured connection expert for major publications like The New York Times, The Telegraph, and Vice. She wrote the New York TImes besteller, Platonic: How to Make and Keep Friends as an Adult, signed by Penguin Random House. She is also a professional speaker on belonging and mental health. She has spoken at corporations, government agencies, non-profits, and universities across the country including Cisco, American Association for the Advancement of Science, Liberty Mutual Insurance, and The Department of State. When she's not talking about connection, she loves learning languages, biking around new cities, and reading non-fiction books.
Get in Touch with Our Guest:
Instagram: @drmarisagfranco hellotushy.com and use code 3in30 at checkout.
LinkedIn: @drmarisagfranco
Website: drmarisagfranco.com
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