067: How to Accept when your Spouse Doesn’t Speak your Love Language

My husband won't speak my love language: thoughts shared by top US motherhood podcast, 3 in 30 podcast.

Do you and your spouse speak the same love languages? My husband, Ryan, and I do *not.*

I am a words girl. I love them, I need them. My husband is a man of few words. He craves quality time.

There have been times in my marriage when I have resented that he doesn’t show me love in the “right” way, but in the past few years, I’ve found contentment and respect for how he shows love.

Listen to today’s episode for three strategies to love your spouse (and feel loved by your spouse), just as they are.

Show Notes

The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman

Online quiz to discover your love language: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Simple Ways to Speak your Partner’s Love Language” with Celeste Davis of Marriage Laboratory blog and Marriage Theraoke podcast

What Happened to my Sex Drive, and How Do I Get It Back?” with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife


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About the Podcast Host, Rachel Nielson

Rachel taught high school English for five years before deciding to be a stay-at-home mom to her two miracle babies, Noah Atticus, who was adopted, and Sally Grace, who was conceived through IVF.

In her life, Rachel has experienced great sorrow but also great joy--and she loves diving deep into the topics that matter most. Thank you for listening to the podcast and giving her a chance to share her heart.


  1. Jo on 06/30/2019 at 7:37 AM

    I NEEDED this.

  2. Lee on 08/24/2020 at 9:10 PM

    Just found your podcast today. I’m wondering how you would balance having boundaries and your mother’s change of heart towards your dad. It seems like it could be viewed as she was excusing some bad behavior. I’m in no way insinuating that either of your parents were bad people. I would very much appreciate your reply. Thanks for your help.

    • Rachel Nielson on 08/31/2020 at 1:40 PM

      Hi! I think that’s a very fair question. I think she had to look at the full picture of who my dad was…he was so loving and supportive, always respectful towards her and us. If he hadn’t been, she may not have decided to accept this “flaw” of his. Does that make sense? One of my mentors, Ralpie Jacobs, says, “If a field is full of flowers, why do we focus on the one weed and water it? Water the flowers, not the weed.” (In other words, focus on all the good things in your relationship instead of the one thing that is less than perfect.) I think it’s a different story if the field is full of lots of weeds that are choking out the flowers. Then you may need to leave that field or at least get a professional gardener in there to help you sort it out. (i.e. therapist!) Let me know if this helps at all!

  3. Paige on 01/05/2021 at 7:12 AM

    I really needed this. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and we have our disagreements but we got perfectly together in 99.9% of all of our relationship except him speaking my love language. Like you and your husband, I’m a words of affirmation and he’s quality time. I feel like I fulfill his love language however, he has a hard time using his words, even saying “I love you” when I want to hear it. I’ve already started to try and hear and see what he does to show his love but this podcast really helped encourage me to keep doing it because what we have is special and I want to protect it. Thank you so much!

    • Rachel Nielson on 02/24/2021 at 11:02 PM

      Oh I am so glad to hear it was helpful!!!

  4. Mom of many on 03/17/2021 at 6:49 AM

    I’ve been married now for 23 years. My one need is words of affirmation. If I gave my husband a list He would do everything on it but that. We are going thru a very difficult time – loss of job for 18 months, fire loss of property and then the most recent our youngest has cancer. All within 16 months. The lack of words of comfort, affirmation, support have been like a gaping wound that just burst open. I don’t know how anyone can truly go without their love language. I just don’t. He’s an acts of service. I would say touch- but he just NEEDS sex constantly. The part that makes the lack of words so difficult is that words of criticism flow freely for him. He cannot see even when given binoculars the needs of others. I can hire a handy man to fix our washing machine. I cannot hire someone to speak kind words.

    • Rachel Nielson on 03/20/2021 at 7:06 PM

      Oh I’m so sorry–that is very heavy. You’ve had so many challenges in the past 18 months. And you’re so right that you can’t hire someone to speak kind words. Have you considered counseling for yourself and/or both of you together? Counseling has changed my life.

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