Love languages in marriage can be tricky!
Do you and your spouse speak the same love language? My husband, Ryan, and I DO NOT. 😝
I am a words girl – I love them, and I need them. Ryan, on the other hand, is a man of few words. He craves quality time.
When we were dating, we were smitten and so naturally went above and beyond to speak each other’s love language. He wrote me love letters, and I relished in spending quality time with him.
One of my fond memories from that time is going for nightly jogs together under the stars of our college town. It was kind of a perfect balance for our needs because it was quality time together to suit Ryan, but he also had to do all the talking because I couldn’t breathe while trying to keep up with him. So he talked to me and filled my cup, and I spent time with him and filled his cup.
But, things change, amiright? 🤦♀️
And, as I said before, love languages in marriage can be tricky!
I recently said to Ryan, “I feel bad about how much I’ve changed since we got married. You thought you were marrying a girl who was really active and into exercising with you. And that is not at all the way it’s turned out.”
He thought about that for a second and then he shrugged and said, “Eh, it’s okay. When we were dating, you thought I was good at words of affirmation. And when was the last time I wrote you a love letter?”
So it turns out that we both pulled the bait-and-switch on each other.
Can any of you relate?
Today I’m going to share three things you can do if you’re noticing that your spouse doesn’t speak the same love language as you – especially if you’re finding yourself feeling resentful and frustrated. I hope you find these takeaways helpful!
But, first, I want to say upfront that these takeaways are applicable for those who are in a mostly happy marriage. I wouldn’t give this same advice to someone who is in a marriage that is deeply struggling or who has a partner who consistently cuts them down or mistreats them.
If that describes your situation, I would always recommend a professional counselor, and I also send you so much love and encouragement as you navigate this.
Okay, let’s dive in!
Love Languages in Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Speak Your Love Language
1. Have eyes to see and ears to hear your spouse’s unique expressions of love.
Tune in and begin to notice the things your spouse does say or do that come from a place of love. Focusing on these efforts to love you will help you see that they are trying to express love. Be careful not to take things they always do for granted just because they come naturally to them. See the good. See the efforts. Feel the love they’re trying to give you.
2. Teach them how to love you well.
You can’t expect your spouse to be a mind-reader! Help teach your spouse what you need, and make sure you’re not expecting them to do it perfectly! One easy way to do this is to be sure to thank them when they do something that speaks love to you. Tell them how much it means to you and how it makes you feel.
3. Remember that, ultimately, the only person that you can change is yourself.
You can’t control the choices your spouse makes, but you can control yourself! You can choose to change the narrative in your head about your spouse and your relationship. Choose love, and choose gratitude. Choose to see your spouse through kind eyes and a loving heart. This seemingly small decision will have a big impact.
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What did you think of these takeaways on love languages in marriage? What’s your love language? Comment below!
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Related Episodes like this one on Love Languages in Marriage:
- Episode 018: Simple Ways to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language // Celeste Davis
- Episode 058: What Happened to My Sex Drive, and What Can I Do to Get It Back? // Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
- Episode 065: 3 Easy Valentines Traditions for the Whole Family // Sarah McKenna
Mentioned in the Episode:
- Online marriage counseling: betterhelp.com/3in30
- 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
- Loom Connection Journals
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I NEEDED this.
Just found your podcast today. I’m wondering how you would balance having boundaries and your mother’s change of heart towards your dad. It seems like it could be viewed as she was excusing some bad behavior. I’m in no way insinuating that either of your parents were bad people. I would very much appreciate your reply. Thanks for your help.
Hi! I think that’s a very fair question. I think she had to look at the full picture of who my dad was…he was so loving and supportive, always respectful towards her and us. If he hadn’t been, she may not have decided to accept this “flaw” of his. Does that make sense? One of my mentors, Ralpie Jacobs, says, “If a field is full of flowers, why do we focus on the one weed and water it? Water the flowers, not the weed.” (In other words, focus on all the good things in your relationship instead of the one thing that is less than perfect.) I think it’s a different story if the field is full of lots of weeds that are choking out the flowers. Then you may need to leave that field or at least get a professional gardener in there to help you sort it out. (i.e. therapist!) Let me know if this helps at all!
I really needed this. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and we have our disagreements but we got perfectly together in 99.9% of all of our relationship except him speaking my love language. Like you and your husband, I’m a words of affirmation and he’s quality time. I feel like I fulfill his love language however, he has a hard time using his words, even saying “I love you” when I want to hear it. I’ve already started to try and hear and see what he does to show his love but this podcast really helped encourage me to keep doing it because what we have is special and I want to protect it. Thank you so much!
Oh I am so glad to hear it was helpful!!!
I’ve been married now for 23 years. My one need is words of affirmation. If I gave my husband a list He would do everything on it but that. We are going thru a very difficult time – loss of job for 18 months, fire loss of property and then the most recent our youngest has cancer. All within 16 months. The lack of words of comfort, affirmation, support have been like a gaping wound that just burst open. I don’t know how anyone can truly go without their love language. I just don’t. He’s an acts of service. I would say touch- but he just NEEDS sex constantly. The part that makes the lack of words so difficult is that words of criticism flow freely for him. He cannot see even when given binoculars the needs of others. I can hire a handy man to fix our washing machine. I cannot hire someone to speak kind words.
Oh I’m so sorry–that is very heavy. You’ve had so many challenges in the past 18 months. And you’re so right that you can’t hire someone to speak kind words. Have you considered counseling for yourself and/or both of you together? Counseling has changed my life.
I am so sorry you have had so many challenges especially in such a short period of time. Challenging times in our lives often cause us to need our love language even more.
I totally understand your love languages challenges. My love language is words of affirmation and touch. My husband’s is quality time.
We have discussed this TOO many times. Yet, his compliments are absent. He will look at me finding the one thing wrong or amiss and thinks he is doing me a favor pointing it out. If I did not approach him for affection, I doubt it would happen except for a good morning kiss.
I feel guilty even mentioning this as he is so good at so many things. I am trying to move on; sometimes I do better than others.
Kinds words should not be difficult amongst those we love. I feel for you.
Hi, Dee! I’m so sorry you aren’t getting these needs met. It’s hard! Did you listen to the episode? I hope it will help!
Loved this podcast. It’s what I needed to hear, I can be so judgmental towards my husband sometimes. He is really a great guy.