Today I'm bringing back one of my favorite conversations from the archive, and I'm so glad I did, because when I listened to it again, I realized it speaks to me even more now than it did when we first recorded it.
When my kids were little, power struggles felt mostly physical: A toddler who refused to get in the car seat or a preschooler who wouldn't leave the park, that sort of thing. When that happened, I could usually scoop them up and move us along (with plenty of tears, but at least we were moving).
But now that I'm parenting a tween and a teen, the power struggles look so different. They're verbal, they're clever, and they're about bigger things, like phones, curfews, friends, how they spend their time, and who gets to decide. Plus, my teenager is taller than me now, and there is definitely no more scooping him up and carrying him to the car when we need to leave to get to school on time.
I'll be honest, even as my kids get older and more mature in every way, there are still moments when I feel that old urge rise up in me to dig in my heels and prove that I'm the one in charge.
When I feel that urge come up, I try to remind myself that my kids aren't pushing back because they don't respect me. They're asking for more power because that's exactly what they're supposed to be doing at this stage. We're in the transition from child to adult, and it's my job to figure out how to hand over power and control, little by little, while still keeping them safe and helping them succeed in life.
This isn't an easy thing to figure out, and that's why I wanted to share my conversation with Denaye Barahona again. Denaye holds a PhD in child development, is a licensed clinical social worker with a specialty in child and family practice, and has a post-graduate certificate in behavior analysis. She's the founder of Simple Families and the author of Simple Happy Parenting. When we recorded this episode back in 2022, her kids were five and eight, so many of her examples involve little ones, but her takeaways are some of the most helpful I've heard for navigating power struggles with older kids too (and her own kids have since grown into the tween and teen years, as well).
Whether you're negotiating bedtime with a preschooler or screen time with a fourteen-year-old, this conversation will help you loosen your grip where you can and stand firm where it counts.
3 KEY TAKEAWAYS:
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First, you don't need to show your kid who's boss, because they already know. We hold the money, the schedule, the car keys, and the Wi-Fi password, and our kids are very aware of it. When we try to prove our authority, we usually just escalate the struggle. Denaye reminded us that there's no winner and no loser here: only a relationship where we're both working to get our needs met.
- Second, develop a shared agenda. Our kids have their own plans, priorities, and hopes, even when those plans are just finishing the last few pages of a book or the last few minutes of a show. With a teenager, a shared agenda might sound like, "What do you have going on tonight, and how can we make this work for both of us?" When our kids feel seen and respected, they're so much more likely to respect what matters to us, too.
- And third, stand your ground, but don't dig in your heels. You can hold the lines that truly matter for your child's safety and wellbeing while still being willing to take a step forward. If you find yourself in the same power struggle over and over, it might be a sign that your child is ready for a little more control, and that it's time to hand some of it over. And as Denaye's ski day showed us, sometimes the person we most need to soften with is ourselves.
I'm so grateful for this conversation with Denaye, and for the reminder that power struggles aren't a sign that something is wrong in our relationships with our kids. They're a sign that our kids are growing, and that we get to grow right alongside them.
If you're in a season of tugging and pulling with your tween or teen, I hope you give yourself some compassion, because this is hard, and it makes sense that it feels hard. Handing over power is a tender, stretching process for both of you, and you don't have to get it right every time. Each time you notice a power struggle, take a breath and choose to lean in instead of digging in. As you do, you're showing your kids what it looks like to stay connected through disagreement, and they'll carry that into every relationship they have.
As always, I'm rooting for you and I hope you have a beautiful week with your family.
Related Episodes:
About Our Guest:
Denaye Barahona holds a PhD in child development, is a licensed clinical social worker with a specialty in child and family practice, and has a post-graduate certificate in behavior analysis. She's the founder of Simple Families and the author of Simple Happy Parenting
Get in Touch with Our Guest:
Website: simplefamilies.com
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